No one reads blogs anymore, I think. I could go into some big existential dread-filled spillage of words about how we're getting little tastes of news and stories and relationships, and how we prefer information in short bursts without really taking in the nutrients of long-form writing anymore, but I won't because I'm just as guilty as the next person. I love a headline and a quick bite of news in between other activities and distractions. I'm sure I wouldn't read this.
What is there to write about? Covid has been a strange thing. I say "has been" like it's in the past but it isn't. Not really. On the one hand, my kids are in school and unmasked. On the other, I'm wearing a mask to teach preschoolers every day and checking on case counts. On the one hand, I went to see live music for the first time in a long time on Tuesday. On the other, I had to bring a card proving I'm vaccinated (3 shots given in a warehouse-like setting in the middle of the Mall of America) and I wore a mask that made my glasses fog up. One of the singers stopped midway through a song and managed to choke out "It's not Covid, I promise" before clearing her throat and beginning again.
We're all beginning again in some way. It's a different world. Our bodies have been tested by a virus and stress. We've worried and lost--if not people, we've lost normalcy.
I don't even want to write about it anymore. In my journal, there's always silence around the toughest parts of life. I don't want to live things twice and writing often puts me back in there--whatever it was. So I'll stop now. It's not even interesting anymore. I just want to be done and I bet you do, too.
I don't know how old the kids were the last time I wrote, but they're 10 and almost 8 now. It feels like a golden age of parenting--they don't need my help with the little stuff and we're hovering on the edge of the teenage hard stuff but not in it. It feels mostly nice and I'm not physically and mentally exhausted all the time like before. I sleep OK. I don't carry anyone around physically anymore. It's good. It's all good.
I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore, but I still love Lent. This year, I decided to be intentional about praying every day during the season. I have mala beads--108 beads in a loop--that I like to use. I say a little prayer for each bead every night before going to bed.
Thank you for my family
Thank you for my health
Thank you for my home
Thank you for the choices we have
Thank you for the peace we have
Thank you for our opportunities
It's a loop of gratitude that feels more meaningful to me than praying the rosary ever did. Sometimes I swing between breathless anxiety and breathless gratitude. Both have been intensified in the last two years. I'm grateful for what I have because I am aware it could go away. I'm anxious to lose it all because I'm so grateful for it. It's a cycle.
Anyway, to those of you not reading this--that is, everyone--I hope you're well. I really do.